This is going to be difficult to write. I know that already. Heck, I'm at the first sentence and I've already deleted and rewrote the stuff more times than I'd have liked to. But man, when isn't this $#%^ difficult?

This is something that has really been messing with my mind lately. Frankly, I can hardly ######6 function. I am, but at the same time, I'm really, really not. Along with it there's this god awful existential crisis, and yeah, those two all in one? No thanks.

A little background, I grew up in one of those very "open" families. My parents would walk around naked, openly make sexual jokes and flirt with each other in ways they assumed I didn't understand, call me a prude and make a massive drama if I wasn't into this $#%^. I was groped by my father when I was ten years old, he made some comment on how I "had boobs now". Wonderful. That $#%^ was disgusting, and I don't understand how the ###$ or why the ###$ he'd do that. Or you know, ask me to say something in a "sexy" manner when I was, again, around ten and practicing for acting class, then when I showed it made me uncomfortable and embarrassed, went "what's the problem? There's nothing wrong with that.". Or throw around all these screwed up sexual comments and "jokes" that would make me feel like one huge goddamn ball of shame. Or constantly walk in on me while I was undressing or in the shower, just not ######6 realising that maybe he should respect my privacy or something. It makes me so mad man, every goddamn time that happened, I would be raging, on the verge of a panic attack, absolutely terrified and shaking, but only inside. I couldn't show what I felt because I knew if I did, he would make a massive drama about my "prude" mentality.

But that's not really what I'm here to talk about today. That's just my theory for the things which largely contributed to why the events giving me way too much goddamn pain lately, happened. Basically, when I was eight years old I discovered pornography. Long story short, my parents eventually caught me and as per usual, made a massive drama. I kinda had a "sex obsession" at this point. Yeah, messed up. I continued watching porn without my parents knowledge for a while, and when I was around eleven/twelve years old, got caught up in something awful.

I'd actively seek out older men on the internet and have sexual chats with them, with those pieces of shits being fully aware of my age. I felt disgusting every time. Yet, for some strange reason, did it again, and again, and again. Too many times. I got off on it, this whole power imbalance thing. I tried stopping, I tried so hard and thank god that I eventually could.

There was one encounter in particular which really stayed with me. Probably always will. It was the only instance where I engaged in video chatting with one of those scums, and I remember him trying to groom me and saying all this disgusting $#%^ and right now, I kinda wanna throw the up. How could I have been so stupid? He was a middle aged adult, and I a young preteen. What the ###$ was wrong with me? What the ###$ is wrong with me? Why? Why the hell did I do that? Why does all this stupid daddy kink $#%^ arouse me, yet disgust me to my core at the same time?

All of this, it's been hurting me. The realisation of what happened. It's been a few years, yet I hardly thought about it. Not in depth anyway. Anytime it crossed my mind or something made me think about it, I'd just suppress it. Brush it away. Not acknowledge it. Not really. Just go, "oh yeah, that". Now I can't. Now it's always here, I feel both disgusted and disgusting. I feel ashamed. Stupid. Taken advantage of. Like dirt. Like nothing. I don't know. I feel so goddamn bad.

What happened to me? Was it something I should just get over? Not a big deal? Was I sexually abused? Can it even be considered that? What the hell? I am so confused.

The feelings one might have of being violated or abused (whether physically, emotionally, sexually...etc) can happen whether the incident takes place in person, over the phone or through the internet... So your feelings are quite natural I would imagine, given the situation, and nothing to minimize. It is a legitimate trauma that you have experienced, maybe suppressed for a while and probably something worth seeking professional help for. Especially, if it causing you significant traumatic distress in the present.